#irelate

Sometimes in a moment of déjà vu
I forget where I am and my hands bleed
into the bed and the bed bleeds into the wall.
There are colors becoming other colors
and it doesn’t mean anything.
This is always happening and we never notice.
One layer.
What’s a layer?
We’re touching through layers.
Two tin cans and infinite string in all directions.
Talk to me. Say something.
Use words I don’t have to go back
to college to understand.
Do you care that the world is trash?
I do. I’m trash.
I’m in love with the feeling of it.
~ Joshua Jennifer Espinoza

The first poem I read by Joshua Jennifer Espinoza was her poem “Déjà Vu” on Literary Hub. I was immediately pulled in because I myself am prone to having many deja vu moments. The way Espinoza pulls you in with her imagery of words has the same grip of a black hole. Another thing that really stuck with me is her choice in topic. She focuses on the pain of life and of being alive and as a teenager and a senior in high school I completely understood a lot of her poems. Since I had absolutely no clue of what I wanted to do after I graduated until about five months ago, I struggled with finding a purpose in life and my world just kind of blurred into one giant mess of repetition and complacency.

The last part of Espinoza’s poem Déjà Vu also reminds me of how I struggled a lot with accepting myself: who I am, how I looked, the things I liked. I have always lived in the past, I still do a lot of the time. I was always telling myself that I was terrible and I wasn’t good enough. For a long time that’s all I did was put myself down. It was an addiction. Every night I’d go to my room, tell myself I was worthless, and then cry myself to sleep before waking up to start the process all over again. It wasn’t until I finally started to see where I wanted my life to go that I started to feel better about myself. I started working out, being more social, and just accepting myself for who I am instead of trying to be someone I’m not. Being able to look back on my past with this poem helps me in accepting who I am as well, and I don’t plan on stopping with my new found open mindedness now.

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